Sometimes it's gonna rain

An “I love you” or “I miss you” would be nice sometimes.

Everything’s going to work out.

Today marks the day my boyfriend is leaving to move back into his apartment for school. I must admit that I had some doubts going into summer that this might be our last.  I’m glad I was wrong.  We’ve grown a lot closer after spending this entire summer together.  This summer was the first time we saw each other almost every day.  It was the first time we went away for a week, just the two of us.  It was also the first summer where he spent more time with my family.  We’ve accomplished a lot of things: putting an entire 1000-piece puzzle together, perfecting the shrimp tempura roll and making some delicious food, running errands together, getting his permit and ID, going to the beach together for the first time.  I’m much more confident going into the school year with our relationship.  We’re finally on the same page and everything is out in the open. I feel like we can be open and honest with each other about everything.  I’ve come to terms with who he is and I’ve grown much more understanding.  He puts a smile on my face and makes me laugh even as I’m bawling my eyes out.  I guess this is what they call love.  A relationship like this is always more important than winning any argument we have.

Sometimes, a relationship can’t be repaired after an argument.  There’s always that one argument that changes the way you feel about someone and gives you a whole new outlook. 

I haven’t felt this bad in so long. I can’t remember the last time I cried in bed late at night or went into work crying.  Today forced me to reevaluate everything and see things for the way they are.  Some things just can’t be change and there’s nothing I can do about it.  I’ve tried my best.  Sometimes, people just pick favorites.

Here is a list of my pet peeves just to vent a little:

1. Smokers —especially when I’m running because it throws off my breathing.
2. People who walk really slow.
3. People who are on their cellphones/texting when they shouldn’t be, whether it’s in a social situation or checking out in line.
4. People who lie.
5. People who are ignorant and rude.  Stupidity irritates me.
6. People who act superior to everyone around them.  Get off your high horse.
7. Fakeness.
8. Homewreckers.
9. Pet owners that are irresponsible and don’t take care of their pets.
10. No one likes a know-it-all.

I’m sure there are more but I’m exhausted!

The last two weeks have been so stressful.  My cat got surgery because she swallowed a rubber band and that wiped out all the cash I had available and my scholarship money.  It’s the first time in a long while where I feel financially unstable.  For once, I have no spare money to spend and can’t go on spontaneous shopping sprees.  It’s so uncomfortable to be in this position but at the same time, this experience has taught me that money isn’t really that important.  I’m just truly grateful that Brownie is healthy and back to her normal self. 

Saying “fuck you” to someone is extremely offensive when that person did nothing to warrant it.

First Saturday off in two years and it blows.  Wasn’t what I expected.

Sometimes, I get insecure but then I realize he’s with me and not with another girl.  That’s comforting and reassuring.

It’s ridiculous and aggravating when people have the nerve to tell me how to live my life and suggest ways to improve my life.  Why can’t people just respect that I enjoy being alone and I don’t care about commuting to school and staying at home?  It’s what makes me happy so stop trying to change my opinion and tell me I’m missing out on a lot of things when I’m perfectly content with where I am. 

The idea of not having any alone time and constantly being surrounded by people does not suit me.  Honestly, I prefer being in my room, doing what I like, and not dealing with people.  I don’t care about parties and meeting people and I don’t see college as an opportunity to have the “time of your life.”  I’m weird like that but it’s what makes me happy so stop being judgmental about my choices and just let me live my life the way I want it.  I could care less about college.  It’s just not my lifestyle and I have my own priorities.

Negative, judgmental people are so annoying.

Summer is going by so fast and I haven’t done anything memorable yet. The weather has been gloomy lately and the feeling of summer still hasn’t sunken in.  I’m currently just sitting here with Brownie in my lap.  I have many things left to do and haven’t really accomplished anything in the last month.  Why do I have to go to college?

However, I am slowly progressing on driving.  I can finally turn both left and right…and can reverse in a straight line.  I’m still pretty horrible with the driving speed though.  I drive extremely slow and Iit’s really aggravating!  I’m taking official driving lessons soon but it’s five hundred dollars. Where will I find that…?

Sometimes I feel like there’s no one you can trust but yourself.  The people you least expect to hurt you end up hurting you the most.  The friends who are supposed to be there for you  leave you hanging.  That’s why there isn’t really anyone I would consider a true friend in my life.  Yeah, there’s people I talk to during school, work, etc. but do they mean a lot to me? Not really.  It’s just easier to not label people as your “best friend.” I’m terrible at maintaining friendships because it’s too much work.  Too much commitment and too much time spent in building up a friendship that could end over one little thing.  There’s too much drama and emotions when you allow someone to be that close to you.  In my experience, it’s never worth it in the end.  People drift apart and everything comes to an end at one point, right?

It’s been almost a month since break started. I’ve been slacking off on getting into shape and working out but as of June 1, I’ve started running.  It’s only been 2 days but I’m proud of myself for being able to get up early and run.  My body feels so sore and I love it.  After running, I feel so awake and full of energy; I feel productive.  I miss this.

I’ve been feeling insecure about my weight lately.  Running helps with this because I eat more when I run.  I’m hoping to gain at least five pounds this summer.  This means I have to start eating healthier and follow a schedule.  It’s going to be so hard to do!

A relationship shouldn’t be built around rules and set boundaries.  You shouldn’t tell someone what he can and cannot do.  All you can do is tell him how you feel about certain things and leave it up to him to make his own decisions.  You can only hope that he takes into consideration your feelings and makes the right choice on his own.  And if he doesn’t, just roll with the punches.  Rules are only made to be broken.

I used to find promises meaningful and important.  I recently came to realize that I only ask for promises to for comfort and false security.  I don’t believe in promises; most of them aren’t kept.  When you ask for promises, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment. That’s a lesson I learned recently.

I’m the kind of person that always has trouble finding the right words to say.  It’s difficult to put what I’m feeling into words that won’t be misinterpreted and taken the wrong way.  And it doesn’t help that I attempt to express myself after bottling all these feelings up.  I just blow up and say things out of emotions, things that can’t be taken back.

I wish it was easier to make friends.  I wish I was more outgoing.  I’ve been wanting to get to know my boyfriend’s friends and feel more comfortable around them because it feels like I know nothing about that part of his life.  I want to see what he’s like around his friends and be comfortable with that part of him…see how he interacts with other people and how he acts around them.  I want him to be able to have fun with his friends and me together without having to choose between us.  I just wish things were easier.  Feels like I’m missing out.

I can’t describe how I’m feeling right now but I don’t like this feeling.